Up again!

I guess I better come to terms with the fact that I will not be 236 by the wedding. My mother came down this past weekend and as usual I pigged out. She just stresses me out. It just seems that everything I do is wrong in her eyes. I know she thinks I'm a horrible mother but I'm not as bad as she thinks. My daughter loves fruit and eats pretty healthy stuff. She's well behaved for a 3 year old and very intelligent. I guess my mom doesn't think that's enough! She always spoils her rotten buying her everything she wants even though she doesn't need it. I feel sometimes that my daughter loves my mother more than me! I know that she prefers to be with my mother when she's around! I guess my depression is acting up again!
Mare

Crazy!

Work is just crazy! you know that my boss left last month and they still haven't replaced him or told me that I was taking his place. Everything seems to be up in the air. I really hate this. The only good thing was that I lost some more weight and I was able to stick on plan for an entire day yesterday. Mostly, I think because I was at work all day and not able to eat until I got home about 8:00 PM. Trust me when I say I was hungry! My husband gave me 2 servings of this fried rice he made from a mix and I only ate half. After I ate it I went to my food journal and wrote it down. Guess what I was under in both calories and Weight Watchers points! OOPs! So I ate and microwave chocolate cake and still didn't have enough but I went to bed and decided not to eat myself silly!
I have decided to add yet another column to my food journal, Weight Watchers points. I found and great website that told me how may points I was allotted for my age and weight and I can track my points with their point calculator. It works OK as long as you know the calories, fat and fiber of the food your consuming. Which, I know because I track those things in my journal as well. I know I should probably join Weight Watchers but I can't afford to right now. I also know that I will not be able to do it properly until I join but it's a guideline and it helps a little. According to the calculator I'm allowed 30 points and I lose a point for every 10 pounds lost, but the minimum amount of points a person should have is 18. Hopefully this will help me get back on track. Maybe if things get better financially I will join Weight Watchers.
God Bless you All,
Mare

Can't Stop

I've been wondering why I can't stop eating lately. I just keep stuffing my mouth with every piece of crap I can find. Yesterday I kept stuffing it with crackers and cream cheese. What the hell is wrong with me! I even kept doing it after I asked myself why. I finished the sleeve of crackers and had a hot chocolate. At least that was "diet". It's by Swiss Miss and has 25 calories. I really like it. It's not as creamy as the real stuff but it's pretty good for when you need that hot chocolate fix.
I weighed myself this morning and to my surprise I had lost weight. Go figure!
Anyway, I'm really trying to stay on plan but everyday just keeps getting harder! I hope I can at least do one complete day OP this week.
Marianne

I'm Sorry

I'm sorry it's been so long since my last blog. I hate it when the other blogs I read just stop and now I'm guilty of it! Forgive me? Anyway, I've regained 10 pounds and I'm upset. I've started back on the bad habits and I can't stop myself. It's like I no longer can control myself. I use to be all about self discipline but something happened when I got older. When I was younger I was able to with stand peer pressure. No, I mean really! I've been to a house party where everyone was drinking except me! I've been to a friends house where everyone was smoking pot except me! I just knew what the consequences where and I didn't do it, and believe me when I say I was called every name in the book because I wouldn't give in and try it! I didn't even have sex until I was 27! So what's wrong with me now? Why can't I control my eating! What has happened to me! I don't know and I think that's the problem.
For a while I thought, maybe I'm meant to be this fat and I should just live with it. Accept it and be proud of myself for the things I have achieve and not what I look like. But, that wouldn't be me. I wouldn't be proud of the fact that I just gave up. I wish I could be like the millions of people out there that are happy with themselves as they are and I'm proud of them too. So, here I am starting to watch what I eat again praying that this time I can stick to it for longer than a day or two.
The wedding I have to go to is 2 weeks away and I'm hoping for a miracle. I know 10 pounds in 2 weeks is a lot but I would at lest like to be the weight I was 2 months ago. I really hate being the fattest chick anywhere I go. Pray for me and I will be praying for all of you.
Mare

Excited

I'm 239.8 pounds this morning! That means I've finally have broken out of the 240's! I'm so excited. I just might make to 236 by Thursday! Joy!
In other exciting news, I wore a size 16W on Saturday. You see, I had purchased a size 16W jean about 2 weeks ago thinking that I would fit in them but I tried them on when I got home and they didn't fit. Then Saturday morning I decided to try them on to see if I had made any progress. I didn't think I did because I haven't lost any weight in 3 months! But I fit into them and was able to zip them up and everything. They are still a little tight and I won't probably wear them again but I wore them all day on Saturday and I felt great!
In other news, I just heard this morning that my boss is leaving to work for another company! I'm the only one they told beside the president and the 2 vice presidents. I feel like a spy with a secret. It's also a bummer because I know I can do the job but I also know that they will not give me the chance to do it. Anything I don't know I know I can learn. I'm only part-time now but I would really like to be full-time and make more money! They are thinking of closing down the DC until they hire someone new and have me work at the main office. I have already told them that I would and could keep the DC opened except for the afternoons when I would pick up my daughter. If they would only give me a chance I would put my daughter in day care. She's 3 and would enjoy interaction with other children.
I hate this. I know I complain about my boss but he was such a nice guy. At least I know he will be in a better job and closer to his home. He will probably make more money!
I wish him good luck!
As for me I just pray I don't get an asshole!
Mare

Frustration!

What gives I've been good for the past 2 days and I'm still at the weight I was last week! I really don't understand what I'm doing wrong! I've been under my fat and calorie intake and I've been drinking my water. I even have a new Pilate's machine that I've done every night for 3 nights! I can't stand this. I really don't want to be 238 at the end of January. I'm about to just give up! It's like my body is telling me that I will always be fat and to stop trying! This is harder than I thought it would be. I've been doing this for over a year and I've only lost 40 pounds! AAARRRRGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Mare

Bad weekend

Well, this morning I got on the scale and it was way up. 242.2 lbs. I have no idea what it was last Monday so I don't know if I went up or down from last Monday. I might just make a list on the sidebar what my Monday weigh ins are.

It was my mom's birthday and we went for dinner on Saturday. Then yesterday I had the day off and we went to the movies and I ate horrible. I love the dark chocolate peanut M&M's. I also had Sour Patch kids and movie theater popcorn. We went to see National Treasure, Book of Secrets. It was great. Not as good as the first but I liked it. I love all the history in the movie I'm a huge history buff. I would love to major in history but I don't think I could get a job with a history degree.

I went to the USF Sarasota campus with my family this weekend to show them were I wanted to go. I think my mom was excited for me. I really want to go back to school and get mt teaching degree. My dad said I should become a professor but I said I would rather teach children than adults. I'm thinking less whiny. Also, less college. I can barely afford to go to school now and my last semester I'll be teaching for free basically! So know Masters in the future for me.

I also bought a pedometer on Saturday. I calculates the miles, steps and calories burnt. Yesterday I walked over 11,000 step! Although I did walk to the park with my husband and while he watched our daughter play I walked twice around the track which I believe is about 1/2 mile around. That's 3.25 miles that I walked to the park and back. I will try this afternoon. I have my pedometer on all day today just to see how many steps I do in one normal day. The recommended is 10,000. We'll see.

Here's to the start of a new week and hopefully 237 by Friday!
I'm praying for all of you.
Mare